SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO...WELL NO.

          Gee whiz, it has been along time since I wrote anything.  Life has been pretty good lately.  I am blessed.  I think back over this year and WOW!  At the beginning of 2015, I decided to not think on anything negative.  When my thoughts went to bad memories or anger, I changed them to good positive things.  I remember the good memories.  When I think back, there has been some sad and angry times.  But God has gotten me through.  I have had to really focus on praying when those times came.  There is peace in praying about heartaches.  This year has not been anything like I thought it would be. 
         Sometimes I wonder what would be the best thing to do in situations.  Give up, get angry, be depressed, hang in there though the bad, giving the benefit of a doubt.  God says to walk away from hot headed people.  But He also does not like commitments backed out on.  In fact, God says to just BE  STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD.  HE IS IN CONTROL!!.  He can work things in ways we cannot.  "He will make a way when there is not way"  I am not looking forward to 2016 with the elections coming up.  But God is in control and he will protect his children.  I will look forward to new babies who will be arriving.  Four in the family!!
             Here is a glimps of my year and how God has brought me peace and answered prayers.  January my former mother in law passed away.  I will miss how she smiled when my children and I walked through her door.  It does break my heart seeing her husband look so sad because he misses her.  April my Daughter got married to a man who loves her dearly.  Her first husband loved her as well, but he was not a well man.  The children benefited so much having their lives turned upside down having to leave NC and go to TN.  They went from never being in school until the ages of 9 and 12.  They were so far behind in school.  It was heartbreaking.  I prayed daily for them.  They loved their daddy so much and having to move away so hard.  But as of today they have been on the honor roll most of their time in school in Tennessee .  A true God sighting.  My youngest moved out of the nest the beginning of June.  I haven't handled the empty nest very well.  I miss my kids.  Then on May 15, my son in law passed.  We did not see it coming (at that time).  That was the hardest death I have endured.  More so than my moms and my first husbands.  My heart still hurts so bad.  He was a good person and so talented on the piano.  But he was addicted to opiates.  He broke his back when he was 14 and had never been the same.  My daughter started dating him when he was 16 and she was 15.  He was 34 when he passed.  He was like one of my children.  God caused forgiveness between his family and my daughter.  It was kind of ugly when they separated and divorced.  The whole custody thing.  This is why God hates divorce.  Then my older son was in a horrible auto accident.  God protected him, just as he protected my daughter a year earlier when she and her car were wrapped around a tree.  My dad grows weaker each time I see him. I just pray.  God has blessed me enormously when it comes to my children.  Each one good citizens, love the Lord and make a mommy proud. 
           When I husband died, I was free.  Life could be me and my children (and grandchildren)  I was so happy.  Then I read in the Bible that young widows should get married.  I met someone who was charming and funny.  I don't talk to strangers, but he spoke to me and caught my attention with his humor.  We ended up getting married, even though I did see red flags...and I was so happy before I met him.  But God had other plans.  I have to trust this.  Besides God can take a bad choice and turn it into a blessing.  Or use it to help others.  He did this when I made the most horrible bad choice ever in my life.  But at the time I saw no hope.  I was so ashamed. So much more ashamed after I gave the gift from God back to HIM.  Whew...oh...God has used my experience to help others.  Back to my marriage.  It is not perfect.  I love my kids so much and he is very jealous  when any of my attention is on them.  It hurts.  He is very self minded.  A narcissist is the psychological term.  The world says to leave...or kick him out.  But God says not to.  Pray.  I almost did walk out of my marriage when he gave away something that I really loved (it was broken..but that's not the point) I was so hurt.  He had no regard or respect for my belongings.  I did leave for a day.  I went to see my kids.  You see we are together 24/7.  I don't like that.  I cant go anywhere without him.  If I do, he says its ok, but his attitude is anger or hurt.  I pray and prayed because I don't know how to handle him...how to communicate with him his way of narcisistant thinking.  When his son came the same time as when my daughter was here, she had to stay at my youngest son's and his son and family stayed with us.  It did work out.  I prayed about it and it all was a wonderful time.  Then when they needed help, he sold his truck.  This caused me much anger,  he didn't like helping my children.  In fact he had no empathy or compassion for them.  I would have to act like an emotional crazy person for us to help them with whatever they needed.  Selling the truck means that  I would have NO freedom.  He doesn't like being without wheels.  I prayed and prayed, the truck was bought by my son, and we still have it in our possession.  We will see how it works out.  I KNOW things will work out for the good.  God promises this.  In fact God has already been working on my husbands way of thinking.  I just need help loving him the way he is. "Sickness and in health"  I can handle the physical  problems he has and the occasional  illnesses.  God will help me with the selfmindedness....mine and his.  :)
         God is good.  HE always is.