Monday, August 28, 2017

Self minds
I am a nice person.
Most people seem to be very self minded.
I do and do for others,
but get nothing in return.
Is this self minded on my part?
I just get tired of being nice and helpful.
Bible says to never stop being nice.
People talk about their lives, their families,
but when i talk of what brings me joy,
I get cut off. 
or just ignored.
If I let someone know that what they do is wrong or they have hurt me
I am wrong. 
I feel so alone.
I would just like friends and family to give in return.
To do something nice for me. 
appreciate me. 
I feel so unappreciated.
Just taken advantage of, used, ignored all the time.
it hurts
I am sad. 
Am I the selfish one because I show appreciation and I do for others
expecting it in return. 
What about me? 
Jesus loves me.  I just keep praying.  I know that God loves me dearly
even if no one else does. 

Monday, July 10, 2017


For past month (or so) I have run across the same message over and over though my daily Bible reading, devotional books and prayer times...and that is God is always with us and he listens. Sometimes with so much going on and a person feel overwhelmed with life or the world...he thinks...God is with me, but not doing anything. Or I know God is with me and I know I will be ok..I just have to trust Him. As I said, this message, "God is with you and He listens" has been popping up a lot. Today, God gave me an example in my own life and in something my mom said years ago. First, when my husband died and I was feeling the overwhelming sadness a couple of days after the funeral, my dad showed up at my house. He just sat down and opened the book that he was reading at the time. He was just "there" but that was so comforting. It reminded me of my dad throughout my childhood when he was not at work, most of the time he would be sitting in his chair and reading. My dad was always "there" and that was a comfort to me my whole life. Things may have been going on in my life that were bothersome, but my dad was there and I knew I was going to be ok. My mom told me the story of when she was in labor with me. She's in labor (at home, before they went to the hosp) and my dad is sitting in his chair reading. She said it really helped that he was there being calm, and she knew she was going to be ok because the love of her life was sitting not too far away, ready to do whatever she needed him to do. (My dad said he read the same sentence about a 100 times....he was nervous, but didnt let mom know it) So, God sighting, God is with us, always. Just knowing he is with us through the good and the bad and it looks like he is not doing anything, he is there WITH US, and that is a comfort. Forgive me for writing so much....another God sighting when Paul (my husband now) was picking me up from TN after my daughter broke her ankle, on the ride home, the song "Even If" came on and Paul was singing along with the song, it said a lot to me. With all the turmoil in the world and, it seems God is not doing anything. God wants everyone to turn to Him. So he allows it. He also allows those who reject Him to just live in their sin...thats what they want. But with all this trouble in our world, we belong to HIM. We are HIS. Our hope is in HIM. Our trust is in HIM. Our hope is in HIM ALONE. (got off on a tangent....for a second) Paul was singing and it was perfect...peace...a turning point in my marriage. All is well. (for the most part ) 💖 God is good all the time. He cares.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

January 8th, 2017

        I am sad today.  P has been gone a whole week.  Tomorrow will be 8 days.  Being together 24/7 was hard because he jealous when I wanted to go see my kids.  Now he is not here at all (he's working)  I have time to just think.  My life is what I want (or is it...I don't like being totally alone...the kids don't come visit)  I can eat what I want.  I think back over the past two months.  His son, fiancé and the two kids moved here from Oklahoma.  WHY??  Why did they move here with no money, why leave a good job, why leave a nice home?  WHY.  Because they get a free as in financially.  So many lies were told to me by P.  He has paid for EVERYTHING! He even gave them money before they moved here.  Lies and more lies about the moving truck.  I am so hurt and angry.  I am angry with them.  I should be angry with P.  I hate them.  They probably hate me too.  I have been so nice.  Bought them gifts.  Nothing in return...nothing!! I know that is not the right attitude.  Bible says to not do things for others expecting things in return.  Bible also says to keep doing good.  That is so hard.  I want to ignore them.  My heart hurts so much thinking about that they owe  over $20,000.  I wouldn't hurt so much if it weren't for the past with P.  He was so mean to my youngest. Wouldn't buy him clothes  or the food he wanted.  P would have negative things to say everytime I wanted to babysit my grandkids, or take them somewhere for fun.  "why cant their parents pay?"  Josh rented MY house and P nagged me to tell them to pay the rent.  My son's job was cut to half time.  P didn't care.  No support when my son in law died.  No comfort at all.  My granddaughters life was turned upside down and she had anxiety, he called her a brat.  He calls one of my other grandkids a brat.  This child had anxiety too.  His grandchild is a very disrespectful child.  I just cant let go of all the hurt he has caused by sabatoging my time with my kids.  Sitting in the car.  Not being social.  Well not the events have flipped.  I don't want to babysit his grandkids, I don't want to be social with his family.  But I am not outright rude.  He insults my family and says, "oh I am just kidding...a joke" His jokes to my oldest grandson are inappropriate.  I don't like him.  I don't like the kind of person he is.  There is a double standard when it comes to our families.  I wanted to be one big family, but the events of the past two months have changed it.  It is now my family and his family.  I want to write them a letter explaining everything.  The hurt and anger they have caused me.  My opinions don't matter.  So much disregard or disrespect towards me.  He may say the same about me, I ignored his silence when I wanted to do what I wanted to do.  One time He told me to not invite him if I didn't want him to go with me.  I was being polite by asking him.  So then one time I didn't invite him, he said "aren't you going to invite me?'  I lost it.  I cried and said it doesn't matter what I do, it is wrong. ( He says the same about me.  That he feels everything he does is wrong...well it is...he is a narcissist and the world is NOT all about him!!)  He then tried to put guilt on me..."I would like to spend time with R or see the grandkids)  While I was gone he moved his dresser into the office..My office.  He moved all my stuff out.  I was so hurt. So hurt!!  What the heck was that all about.  He says he will leave, but he doesn't.  He said when he got his money, he would leave.  Sometimes he says he will move into the storage building.  I don't want him in the storage building.  That is crazy.  He takes it to mean I don't want him to leave.  I need to just meditate on the Bible and pray pray pray.  What to do.  Be still and let God work.  I am sad, angry and so hurt by P, S and D.  I guess D being raised by P, will be a lot like his father.  Take take take.  Use and abuse.  Take advantage.  I hate that. 

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Well then...

I have not finished blogging this book I am reading.  It is a very good book and the main point of it all is to have a positive mind.  Always!! Think on things good and Holy.  Don't put yourself down. God loves you and God made you.  If you do slip up, talk to God and repent.  Talk to God about everything.   Even if you are angry.  At least you are venting at him.  When you tell others of your hurts, sorrows, angers, etc...first, you are not putting God first.  Tell him how you feel first before you talk to others.  What you say  could turn into gossup  Trust God more than you trust people.  This is biblical.  Bottom line, PUT GOD FIRST.  JESUS DIED FOR YOUR SINS AND LOVES YOU.  HE FORGIVES AND WILL HELP YOU.  NO MATTER WHAT! 

Friday, October 7, 2016

More Thoughts

  I have continued reading the book I was telling you about.  One point that the author brings out many times, and it is just common sense is we should always have a positive attitude.  How we react is very important.  We can voice our opinion if something is bothering us in a positive way, not with anger or rage.  If we tell ourselves to not to get overly upset about stuff, then we will feel better.  Anger and wrath are not God's way.  It doesn't mean that we have to just sit back and take whatever it is that bothers us or if someone is mean to us.  We can handle it in a positive way and tell ourselves it doesn't bother us ...that much.   Another thing that the author brought up was the word Shalom , which means Peace.  She should have an attitude of Shalom.  In the way we react, in what we say, in how we feel. 

Thursday, September 29, 2016


I reading this book and don't see how it applies to me.  I like myself.  I think I am nice person.  I am highly sensitive and a little paranoid.  I do tell myself that people don't like me.  They like the ones who talk a lot and lie.  I am the opposite.  But I feel people think I lie.  I just don't know.  I will read on.....

Monday, September 12, 2016

More on Self Talk

      I am reading a book that someone gave to me to read.  I wondered what is wrong with me that people give me books to read.  My daughter said , " Maybe she thought it was a good book"   so I am reading it to see if it is something I need.  The author calls it "Soul Talk"  All is well with my soul.  Well I feel all IS  well with my soul.  But maybe not??  Maybe people see me as someone who is lost.  I try to prove to people all the time that I am NOT lost.  I am not blind or deaf to what God has to say.  I try to (maybe too hard) to let people know they are not living right.  I point out things that are not Holy.  I tell people all the time what the Bible says. 

      What I read today talks about what we say to ourselves about ourselves.  I'm a bad mother, I a failure, Etc..."  Well, I HAVE  said I was a failure.  But I like myself.  I don't understand why people don't like me.  That is what I tell myself.  I am a good, funny, smart and sweet.  But people talk to me and I guess I tell too much about myself and they never want to talk to me again.  I talk of my sorrows, my trials.  I guess I am talking to negatively.  I need people I can talk to about everything.  I do have my kids and my friend Erin.   I did get into a discussion on facebook about the ability to cry.  I was so argumentative.  It got kind of crazy.  I sure didn't represent Jesus very well.  That is my goal that people will see what God wants them to know.  That the world is bad.  Then on Sunday we sang a song that had a line, "Boast in Jesus"  I should just share Jesus and boast in HIM.  So far what I have read in this book, is not me.  I don't think badly of myself.  I think I am a likeable person, but others don't see it.  I am not a narcissist though.  No way!!!  I am very honest.  Maybe too honest.  Maybe that's why people don't like me.  I hate lyers.  Well not hate.