When a woman has an abortion, she goes through the same hormonal changes as those who given birth. Post partum depression being one. Add to that the sadness of a loss. Yes even though she has chosen to abort her baby, she will feel a loss. Grief. She will go through the stages of grief. These being DENIAL, ANGER, BARGANING, DEPRESSION AND ACCEPTANCE.
DENIAL: I did nothing wrong. It wasn't my fault.
ANGER: IT WASN'T MY FAULT. SOMEONE MADE ME DO IT. Or I hate myself for doing this!!
BARGAINING: I promise never to do that again if you.... I will be the best mommy ever if I can have a baby. I never want to have children.
DEPRESSION: Overwhelming guilt, sadness, drug and alcohal or drug abuse, remorse, self lothing and suicide.
ACCEPTANCE: I acknowledge what I have done. I am forgiven. I repent of this sin. I have healed.
I will write more on these later. I will write more on the "side affects" of abortion. But you can heal!! You can recover!!
Just know that God forgives you through the blood of Jesus Christ. God can turn a bad thing into a blessing.
Showing posts with label Abortion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Abortion. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
I FORGIVE YOU MOMMY
Went to a crisis pregnancy banquet/fundraiser last night. I was so impressed how easily that the speakers could confess their sin of abortion. If these well liked people could talk publically about this horrible thing, then maybe so can I. I have been so afraid to talk to people about myself and my past because I want people to like me. I have found that when I did talk about being married to a drug addict and all that entails, or the fact that he was abusive, people shunned me and didnt talk to me anymore. What would they think if I talked about killing my first baby? Some people say to not talk about the past or to forget it. But if I can help someone in some way, then I will talk about it. Also bringing the dark into the light can help with healing.
"Black is Black..I want my baby back" ''I am so sorry Lord" "My darling baby, I am so so so very sorry" I said these words over and over , almost daily for years. Many many tears. I felt like dirt. I deserved to be hurt. I learned that God does forgive this horrible sin. Through Jesus our Lord. His blood covered my sins. I just needed to forgive myself and accept God's forgiveness.
11 years and 15 days after the day I would like to forget, but I remember every detail, I was feeling so sad. I was reading the Bible and just crying ..sobbing..and telling my child that I was so sorry. The room got really quiet and so did I, " I FORGIVE YOU MOMMY" was spoken aloud. A sweet child's voice. At that moment, a huge weight had lifted. I had an enormous peace. I never felt guilty again. I knew I was forgiven and that it was all ok.
But I did still have the shame that I would ever do such a thing. But Jesus took my shame away too. He covered my shame.
Later through an abortion recovery group meeting I gave my baby a name..Emy Rose Evans. I always felt it was a little girl.
One day, years later, my mom and I were talking and she brought up the subject of that day I aborted my baby. She went with me to the Fleming Center which was an abortion place. That is all they did there. She felt such great guilt and so shamed that she would "support" me in doing that. (She was there for me because she loved me dearly but did not approve of my decision) She told me how bad she felt about that day. She felt so bad that she called her mother. My grandma was the most Godly lady I have ever known. She was an awesome woman. I thought, "NO!! YOU DIDNT TELL GRANDMA!!"
Grandma probably hated me then. How could I ever face my grandma again. My mom said that her mother told her "her story"
My grandma was pregnant with twins, my mom and her brother. My grandparents had a two year old already and they were very poor at the time. "How are we going to afford two more babies?" My grandma was a nurse and she knew of ways that women aborted babies back then. Some kind of medicine they could take. So my grandma took this medicine. It didnt work at that time. She went into labor two months later when the babie's were two months early. My mom's twin brother died. My grandma blamed herself. For years she blamed herself. My grandpa had lost all of his sons. He had no sons to carry on his name. My grandma felt she caused baby Thomas' death.
She took extra loving care of my mom when she was born. My mom always felt that she wasnt special..she felt her sisters mattered more to her mother. But my grandma told my mom that she was very special to her. She knew that God forgave her for what she did and she praised God for letting her little Janice survive. It was a mircle back in the early 30s for a baby so premature to survive..But God did It!! I miss my mom so much!! I praise God for Mother and daughter relationships. A gift that he gives us.
TO BE CONTINUED:
Later the affects of abortion...grief, depression, shame, drug and alcohol abuse, sin and more sin, and even suicide. God can get you through it. He loves you so much!!
"Black is Black..I want my baby back" ''I am so sorry Lord" "My darling baby, I am so so so very sorry" I said these words over and over , almost daily for years. Many many tears. I felt like dirt. I deserved to be hurt. I learned that God does forgive this horrible sin. Through Jesus our Lord. His blood covered my sins. I just needed to forgive myself and accept God's forgiveness.
11 years and 15 days after the day I would like to forget, but I remember every detail, I was feeling so sad. I was reading the Bible and just crying ..sobbing..and telling my child that I was so sorry. The room got really quiet and so did I, " I FORGIVE YOU MOMMY" was spoken aloud. A sweet child's voice. At that moment, a huge weight had lifted. I had an enormous peace. I never felt guilty again. I knew I was forgiven and that it was all ok.
But I did still have the shame that I would ever do such a thing. But Jesus took my shame away too. He covered my shame.
Later through an abortion recovery group meeting I gave my baby a name..Emy Rose Evans. I always felt it was a little girl.
One day, years later, my mom and I were talking and she brought up the subject of that day I aborted my baby. She went with me to the Fleming Center which was an abortion place. That is all they did there. She felt such great guilt and so shamed that she would "support" me in doing that. (She was there for me because she loved me dearly but did not approve of my decision) She told me how bad she felt about that day. She felt so bad that she called her mother. My grandma was the most Godly lady I have ever known. She was an awesome woman. I thought, "NO!! YOU DIDNT TELL GRANDMA!!"
Grandma probably hated me then. How could I ever face my grandma again. My mom said that her mother told her "her story"
My grandma was pregnant with twins, my mom and her brother. My grandparents had a two year old already and they were very poor at the time. "How are we going to afford two more babies?" My grandma was a nurse and she knew of ways that women aborted babies back then. Some kind of medicine they could take. So my grandma took this medicine. It didnt work at that time. She went into labor two months later when the babie's were two months early. My mom's twin brother died. My grandma blamed herself. For years she blamed herself. My grandpa had lost all of his sons. He had no sons to carry on his name. My grandma felt she caused baby Thomas' death.
She took extra loving care of my mom when she was born. My mom always felt that she wasnt special..she felt her sisters mattered more to her mother. But my grandma told my mom that she was very special to her. She knew that God forgave her for what she did and she praised God for letting her little Janice survive. It was a mircle back in the early 30s for a baby so premature to survive..But God did It!! I miss my mom so much!! I praise God for Mother and daughter relationships. A gift that he gives us.
TO BE CONTINUED:
Later the affects of abortion...grief, depression, shame, drug and alcohol abuse, sin and more sin, and even suicide. God can get you through it. He loves you so much!!
Monday, February 11, 2013
IT'S POSITIVE
I took my Dad's car and drove to my doctor with a jar of "pee". It was barely 8:00 AM. The nurse came back with the haunting words, "I'TS POSITVE" I choked a little and payed $10 and left. I cried when I told my boyfriend. He said to just get an abortion. That's what the girl down the street from him did....THREE TIMES!
After the shock wore off, I was kind of happy. A baby..that's what I always wanted. But I couldn't have it because then people would know I had sex outside of marriage. I could lose my job!! My dad would hate me. So began the plans of having an abortion. I called this lady I knew who had had an abortion because while she was married and her husband away in the Army, she got pregnant. Her husband had had a vasectomy. We planned for me to go to Winston Salem where she lived. But I would have to take off of work. For some reason my parents had to be involved. They said "no" and I got really upset. My dad thought it was odd, so he sent my mom in to ask me, "Are you in Trouble?" I was so ashamed! I couldn't face my dad. His advice was to break up with my boyfriend. All I could think of was that people would know that I had had sex. My mom tried to talk to me. We could handle it all she said. I was still a teenager and teens dont listen to their moms. And I was determined that the only choice was to abort. My mom with with me, even though she didnt approve. "Having My Baby...what a lovely way of saying how much you love me" was on the radio above my head. They called me back . I was truly hoping they would send me home pregnant. I told the little councilor that I didn't want to do this. "I Have always wanted to be a mother." "I love babies!" "This will prove it by not bring an unplanned one into the world", she said. We had a group session and I didn't talk at all. Then they asked us what kind of birth control I wanted to go on. She asked me and I said, "I am not having sex again." "You cant just stop having sex. It is like eating peanuts, you cant just stop. You will be back in a year"
While laying on the table, I asked the nurse, "I wonder if it is a boy or girl" "It's not a baby, it is a fetus. Just tissue. It is like a blueprint to a house. A blueprint is not a house. A fetus is not a baby" The doctor came in, I didn't like him right away. He had to pry my legs apart. A tear rolled down to my ear. I didn't cry even though I wanted to. I looked up just in time to see red stuff go through a tube into a VACUUM CLEANER!! THAT was when reality hit me. MY BABY WENT INTO A VACUUM CLEANER. Later I learned that they just threw the baby remains of that container into the dumpster!! A DUMPSTER!!! RIGHT BEHIND THE BUILDING! As I was walking out, "Black is Black, I want my baby back" was on the radio above my head.
(It was also a month after the abortion that I saw a picture of what my baby looked like at 9 weeks gestation) IT WAS A BABY!!
I sang that song over and over in my head for 11 years. I grieved for 11 years. I apologized to my baby and to God for 11 years.
God is forgiving..even for this horrible black sin. He sent his son to die for me.
To be continued...
Next time "I FORGIVE YOU MOMMY"
After the shock wore off, I was kind of happy. A baby..that's what I always wanted. But I couldn't have it because then people would know I had sex outside of marriage. I could lose my job!! My dad would hate me. So began the plans of having an abortion. I called this lady I knew who had had an abortion because while she was married and her husband away in the Army, she got pregnant. Her husband had had a vasectomy. We planned for me to go to Winston Salem where she lived. But I would have to take off of work. For some reason my parents had to be involved. They said "no" and I got really upset. My dad thought it was odd, so he sent my mom in to ask me, "Are you in Trouble?" I was so ashamed! I couldn't face my dad. His advice was to break up with my boyfriend. All I could think of was that people would know that I had had sex. My mom tried to talk to me. We could handle it all she said. I was still a teenager and teens dont listen to their moms. And I was determined that the only choice was to abort. My mom with with me, even though she didnt approve. "Having My Baby...what a lovely way of saying how much you love me" was on the radio above my head. They called me back . I was truly hoping they would send me home pregnant. I told the little councilor that I didn't want to do this. "I Have always wanted to be a mother." "I love babies!" "This will prove it by not bring an unplanned one into the world", she said. We had a group session and I didn't talk at all. Then they asked us what kind of birth control I wanted to go on. She asked me and I said, "I am not having sex again." "You cant just stop having sex. It is like eating peanuts, you cant just stop. You will be back in a year"
While laying on the table, I asked the nurse, "I wonder if it is a boy or girl" "It's not a baby, it is a fetus. Just tissue. It is like a blueprint to a house. A blueprint is not a house. A fetus is not a baby" The doctor came in, I didn't like him right away. He had to pry my legs apart. A tear rolled down to my ear. I didn't cry even though I wanted to. I looked up just in time to see red stuff go through a tube into a VACUUM CLEANER!! THAT was when reality hit me. MY BABY WENT INTO A VACUUM CLEANER. Later I learned that they just threw the baby remains of that container into the dumpster!! A DUMPSTER!!! RIGHT BEHIND THE BUILDING! As I was walking out, "Black is Black, I want my baby back" was on the radio above my head.
(It was also a month after the abortion that I saw a picture of what my baby looked like at 9 weeks gestation) IT WAS A BABY!!
I sang that song over and over in my head for 11 years. I grieved for 11 years. I apologized to my baby and to God for 11 years.
God is forgiving..even for this horrible black sin. He sent his son to die for me.
To be continued...
Next time "I FORGIVE YOU MOMMY"
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