Confused or Paranoid

Maybe I am trying to hard.  Too hard at what??  At being a Christian.  I think I understand it all and that I am doing well, then someone says something and I think the comment was directed at me.   Or is this paranoia?  All I know is that I am tired of feeling self conscious.  Self..maybe that is the word.  I am focusing on myself.   I am trying to not let this court judgement thing overwhelm me.  The court says I have to pay.  The lier won.  It is not fair.  I want to to the right thing in God's eyes.  What do I do?  Lord, What do I do??   I dont have any money.  I owe so much money.  so many doctor bills.  I want to do what is right.  I dont want to be sinful.  The Bible says to "BE STILL AND KNOW I AM GOD!"   So I will do nothing right now and be still and focus on God.,  Pray and Read the Holy Scriptures. 

B.I.B.L.E.

When I first heard this little saying...B.I.B.L.E. stands for "Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth"  I thought, "oh that is cool.  It is an instruction book"   But it is so much more than that!   It is more than just basic instruction.  It contains deep instructions, commands, and laws FROM GOD!  God is talking to us through the Bible.  The Bible is God's words.  Everything HE wants us to know.  Our history, how to live as Jesus lived, how to be Christ like, how to treat others to Glorify Him.  Every word in the Bible is has to do with God's son, Jesus Christ.  The Bible is the best book ever because it is God talking to his children.  He is showing us that he loves us.  He is our Heavenly father.  I have said before to read the Bible..read what God is saying to you.  Act on what you have read...Do it God's way.  His way is the best way.  We cant see it sometimes..but trusting Him to take care of us is all that matters. Trust Him.  We cant trust people or ourselves like we can Trust God.  He knows what is best! 

Once again, evil has prevailed.  Even through the courts, evil prevails.  How we react is important.  Satan would want us to be angry, get depressed, and go over the trial over and over in our heads. 
I had an appeal trial in front of a jury.  This young man lied and contradicted himself over and over.  I didnt have money for an attorney (he didnt have one either)  He still won and now there is a judgement against me.  That was THE most stressful day in my life.  My whole body ached when it was over.  I felt so sick and exhausted.  It consumed my mind for a couple of days.  But satan wont win by making me feel bad or tramatized.  God wants me to look to Him.  To find comfort in Him.  To find a  hiding place in Him.  Jesus went through so much more as the result of evil people.  He did this for Me!  He did it for you too.   There may be a lesson in all of this for me.  God will reveal it to me sometime.  Or he may just have a lesson for all that were involved.  Only God knows.  He is in control.  I will just be happy and trust God.  

To be honest, I dont have the money this young man was awarded.   It wont bother me if he goes to the steps to get payment.  What ever he needs to do, I will fully co-operate to get this debt removed.  I just know that I was honest in court, he was dishonest.  God, me and this young man KNOW what the truth was.   The jury fell for his lies.  Oh well.    I still have so much more to Praise God for.  I will be ok.

THAT WAS THEN....

THAT WAS THEN..

“It’s positive” she whispered

“WE DON’T DO ABORTIONS” the Crisis Pregnancy center lady bellowed

“You are making the right decision” the abortion center informed

“I don’t want to be here” I wept

“I have wanted to be mommy my whole life” I hinted

“Just send me home” I said to myself.

“I love children!!” I agonized.

“This will prove it” She declared

“By not bring an unplanned baby into the world” she dictated.

“I wonder if it is a boy or girl” I questioned

“It is not a baby, it is a fetus…it is just tissue” She protested

“a blueprint . Just like you have a blueprint for a house. The paper is not a house. Same way a fetus is not a baby” she maintained

“ I am scared! That man looks evil” I silently cried out

“Oh my God! It’s a vacuum cleaner!!” I thought in horror.

“You need to be on some type of birth control” she ordered

“before you can leave” she went on

“I am never having sex again” I revealed

“You cant just stop having sex” she retorted

“You will be back in a year” she uttered.

“I am never doing this again!!” I hissed

“I am overwhelmed with sadness” I divulged

“Lies. Lies. Lies” I shuttered

“Where is the hope?” I whimpered

                                   TO BE CONTINUED......THIS IS NOW
please come back again


THIS IS NOW.......

"It is positive"  I whispered

"I'm pregnant! Please help!" I exclaimed

"Would you like to come in and discuss it"  She spoke softly

"I want my baby!"  I affirmed.


"You made the right decision"  She reassured

"I love children!" I divulged.

"This will  prove it" She justified.

"By loving this gift from God"   She went on.

"The Bible says that God knitted every baby in its mother's womb"  She revealed.

"I don't want to have sex again"  I released.

"Abstinence is God's plan"  She informed

"Sex is a very special act between a married man and woman"  She continued.

"Jesus loves you and so do we"  She testified.

"I am so happy!"  I shed tears

"There IS Hope!"   I  rejoiced

"There is truth in the Lord"  She shared.

If there you or someone you know is in a crisis pregnancy, there is a place in Clayton, NC that you can go to and find the love of Jesus.  Help and resources too.  iChoose a Care Net center.

I TRIED

    It is hard to strike up conversation with someone who you have no idea what to talk about.  Me being sort of antisocial (shy) doesnt help.  I got the feeling that this person didnt really want to talk to me.  I asked if he watched the Oscar's and what movies he has seen.  He said he doesnt watch many movies.  But listening to him talk...he has seen many movies.  I started talking about TV shows.  He said he doesnt watch much TV, yet he knows about a lot of shows.  I asked if there are brewries in his area and stated it is fun to try different local beers.  He said he didnt drink beer, yet he knows a lot about different kinds of beer.  I dont know much about name brand beers.  but I do admit that I like to try different local handmade ones.  This may happen about three times a year.  All I can say is it was very awkward this visit with him.  So as always, after the initial point of me trying to be social, I just quit talking.  I feel I just should just keep my mouth shut eveywhere I go.  Except to just talk about what the Bible says and talk about Jesus.  I used to be funny and people liked being around me.  People used to talk to me all the time because I was a good listener.  I still am.  I love talking with people and hearing them tell stories or share what is on their hearts.  But people seem to shun me now.  I dont know what happened to make me stop being a talker.  I love people but they dont seem to like me back.  This is how I feel.  I am being very honest!  I need help in healing from some hurt I guess. 

Over and over

If a topic or a verse or a lesson keep coming up over and over, then this means that God is trying to teach you a lesson.  I am so disturbed by all the evil and hate in the world.  It breaks my heart.  But God does not want me to dwell on it.  We live in a fallen world!! All we can do is pray, teach others about Jesus and serve others just as Jesus served.  Today in Sunday School we talked about how precious we are to God.  When we are His through Jesus Christ, no one can "mess " with us.  If they do, HE will deal with them.  I found so much comfort in this.  We just need to keep doing what is right and not grow weary doing so.  We need to just keep our eyes focused on Jesus.  I am in a lawsuit and the young man tells so many lies.  We keep to the truth.  Telling the truth makes it easier to go through.  But twice, I have lost.  A friend of mine said that we will be experts at this final appeal.  I think she is right.  We will be more prepared.  I admit he is due something and my goal was for the court to decide what we owe him.  He is very frustrated because he having to fight to get money that he claims we owe him.  He won big time in the last appeal, but was very upset because we said we were appealing it again.  I have that right.  All I keep thinking is, "He started it"   I truly think he did not know what he was getting himself into when he filed the lawsuit.  I found confort in knowing that God will deal with him.  We will go this last and final round and speak the truth, set an offer on the table and let the judge decide.  This last time I will ready for the battle.  I am not scared! 

    In Sunday School, we also talked about people who are lost , people that we know.  I know of a group of people who are in the same family.  They make me so angry.  They judge me and tell me I am wrong in how I think.  I have been getting bolder in stating my opinions on their life styles.  Before I would just quote what the Bible said about different things.  I should not get so angry.  But ..But but!  They seem to prosper!!  Or get their way from enablers.  They complain about how unhappy they are! IT'S BECAUSE YOU NEED JESUS!!! I want to yell at them.   Yes, I should feel sad for them.  All I can do is keep trying to teach them about Jesus.  Dont give up.   The class leader said that maybe some time something we say may spark something in the lost and they will want to know more.  One person in my life told me she wanted the peace that I had.  This person was the most evil person I knew on this earth, other than satan himself.  I thought there was no hope for her.  I still dont trust her, but she has made a complete turn around with her life.  I am happy for her.  Praise the Lord!!  She found a church that she loves.  She has been reading her Bible and it has powerful meaning to her.  God had proven to me that there is hope for everyone! I should not give up on anyone.  Thank you Lord.

JUST MOVE ON...WALK AWAY..TIME FOR A CHANGE...SEASONS CHANGE...

      Wow!  Has it been a year.  God has blessed us.  We are so thankful!  A year ago we were deparate.  My husband sold his truck so we could pay our bills.  I was very sad to see the truck go.  It was a nice truck, Ford F150.   But when this money was gone, we had nothing.  I worried.  I prayed.  It was suggested to ask our church to help us...after all the 5th Sundays offering was for helping others in need.  I thought we would qualify. We were "members"  It was all in God's hands and we went through the policies set by the church for helping others.  it didnt work out as I had thought it would.  Which is sometimes happens.  God doesnt answer prayers exactly like we think He will.   We did get a lot of food, so I guess this is how they saw fit to help us.   I was hurt.  I was kind of angry.  My dad, went to his bank and took out a loan to help us out.  I didnt think he should have had to do that.  Oh well.  Anyway, all of this is behind us.  The church is a wonderful church with wonderful people.  The pastor and his family are very good people.  Not all churches are the same, that is why there are so many churches and people just have to find one that they fit in with.  To me, a church should feel like family.  This is what I wanted.  Anyway,  we found a little church that I am very happy in.  My husband and son are happy there too.  I love watching it grow.  We are family!!  I think God was telling me to just move on...walk away..time for a change.  We have seasons at churches too.  I miss a lot at my previous church.  But I am so happy at my new church.  Thank you Lord.  My husband got a good job and has been with the job for a year.  Things are looking up.  We are slowly getting debts paid off. 

    Today I was thinking about all of this and realized that God gives us second chances and it is ok to "start over"    I truly believe He was in control of the whole situation and it was his plan for us to leave and go to another church.  I think back to my first marriage.  So rocky and stressful at times.  God just took me out of that marriage (my husband passed away)  and allowed me to start new.  A new life.  He brought me my new husband and now I am trying so hard to not make mistakes.  My past is gone and I am in a new season of life.  God has been good to me though all my seasons.  I take with me many lessons learned.  A lot of growth...but He's  not done with me yet!!  I feel qualified to teach and serve others in the area of the ministries of Abortion, Pregnancy, Parenthood, marriage to an abuser/unbeliever, and addiction.  I am not the addicted one (unless you can say I am addicted to donuts.  And donuts are a "no no" with diabetes)  I am still learning about addictions and about diabetes.  I want to be very educated in these two areas.   I am not bitter about my past.  I do need to confess though that I am still harboring anger towards my late husbands family.  They are all so lost.  All of them!  I pray God helps me with this.  Thank you for allowing me to share my life with you.  Until next time....God bless you and your day and your family.

LITTLE LESSONS

The Holy Bible says in many places that we cannot serve the world and God.  You cant be luke warm!  You cant serve two masters.  I keep seeing this message over and over.  I dont think I serve two masters, but perhaps I am.  I need to search myself.  I need to search the Holy Words for more information.  I just want to teach others that you should not preach Jesus and then go out to a bar, get drunk and commit fornication or adultry and then think "I am ok, I am a Christian and I will be forgiven"  this is NOT the right attitude.I am trying to teach this to a friend.    A Christian should want to please God. But we are human and make mistakes.  We should not keep making the same mistakes over and over. 

I came across some verses that really jumped out at me.  I want to share them with you. 

Isaiah 55:2  "Why do you  spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy?  Listen carefully to ME, and eat what is good and delight yourself in abundance."  

Why do we spend money on food that is not good for us? Or for other things that are not good for us.  What a waste!!

Proverbs 3:6  " In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight"   

  This whole chapter is good advice.  Put God first in everything you do!!

Luke 22:27  "For who is greater, the one who reclines at the table or the one who serves?   it not the one who reclines at the table?  But I am among you as the one who serves"  

Jesus came to teach and to serve.  We should follow his example.  Serve one another!  Edify one another!  We are not to wait for others to wait (serve) us!.  This is selfish!!