My Life

    I love reading and in depth studies of the Bible.  I have learned so much from pastors such as Phil Spry, Bill Dinwiddie and Dan Rutherford.  I love that I have learn what is right and what is wrong in this world from God's Word.  What He says is truth.  The world tries to twist things so that sin is not sin.  Bible says to not conform to the world.  I pray that one day they will understand the Bible and see that sin is sin.  That they in the world will see that Jesus is the only way to Heaven.  That Hell is real.  Until then, all I can do is pray for the lost.  Not argue with them or get angry.  In the Bible God says that he will let the evil perish in their sins. 
    I was married to a very rough man.  He was mean at times and verbally abusive.  We had some bad times and we had some very good times.  He lost his life to an addiction to Crack.  That last year was a hard one.  The last month was a very hard one as he was so sick with heart failure...and he didn't understand why.  He did everything the doctors told him...I wanted to yell, "YOU ARE STILL SMOKING THAT CRACK!!"  In the end was he doing it to help his pain?  It was a vicious circle.  When he passed away, it was just me and my boys.  I was a single mother.  I was free!  I was happy...so happy.  Not happy that my husband had died.  I wanted him to get better and come back home and we continue in a happy life.  But God took him out of that marriage.  God had his reasons.  I am thankful that he is not here now with all the politics and hate that is going on.  Also that he is not here to deal with his sister and her children and the torment they put on his parents. 
     I read in the Bible that young widows should remarry.  The only reason I should have remarried was to get rid of that whorish behavior.  I was for a time after my husband died.  That part I was not happy about.  I was so happy that life was just me and my  children.  I was soooo sooo happy.  Why then did I get married again?
    Here  I am seven plus years later and I am so unhappy.  I feel stuck.  I feel chained.  I am not free.  I think my husband is a narcissist.  He lies.   Everything I read about a narcissistic  relationship, is us.  I just want to be happy.  I should feel joy that I belong to my Lord, Jesus Christ.  But I feel imprisioned.  I feel no one cares about what I have to say.  I feel ignored a lot of the time.  Oh well, Jesus loves me.  That is all that matters really. 

Boundries

Boundries

 I feel like I am in a psychological battle.  It's like hitting a wall.  Time and money have no concept...money Bang!  Time..bang!  the same wall.  No repect for what I want.  a twisted concept of what I want.  I want my life back.  I want to go back to August 5, 2006 and start over.  I have glimpes of having my life..but then it is back to that sa...me wall.  The anger is gone..now it is just sadness.  No one to talk to who will understand.  I do have my Lord, Jesus Christ.  So I can just pray.  I am tired of people bashing my Lord.  But it will be that way until he comes back and takes his church to heaven with him.  I just need to focus on the good in my life.  Yes , I have been blessed and am still being blessed.  God is on my side.  It is just this one thing...psychological twisting and trying to make me a robot.  It needs to stop!  Am I the selfish one who just wants things the way I want them?  I am very giving and want to please my Lord and others.  But this twisting to think ....bang bang  that wall!!  I am totally against everything he says and does....well not everything.  I just dont like him..the wall.  God help me.    Maybe I am wrong.