Sunday, January 8, 2017

January 8th, 2017

        I am sad today.  P has been gone a whole week.  Tomorrow will be 8 days.  Being together 24/7 was hard because he jealous when I wanted to go see my kids.  Now he is not here at all (he's working)  I have time to just think.  My life is what I want (or is it...I don't like being totally alone...the kids don't come visit)  I can eat what I want.  I think back over the past two months.  His son, fiancé and the two kids moved here from Oklahoma.  WHY??  Why did they move here with no money, why leave a good job, why leave a nice home?  WHY.  Because they get a free as in financially.  So many lies were told to me by P.  He has paid for EVERYTHING! He even gave them money before they moved here.  Lies and more lies about the moving truck.  I am so hurt and angry.  I am angry with them.  I should be angry with P.  I hate them.  They probably hate me too.  I have been so nice.  Bought them gifts.  Nothing in return...nothing!! I know that is not the right attitude.  Bible says to not do things for others expecting things in return.  Bible also says to keep doing good.  That is so hard.  I want to ignore them.  My heart hurts so much thinking about that they owe  over $20,000.  I wouldn't hurt so much if it weren't for the past with P.  He was so mean to my youngest. Wouldn't buy him clothes  or the food he wanted.  P would have negative things to say everytime I wanted to babysit my grandkids, or take them somewhere for fun.  "why cant their parents pay?"  Josh rented MY house and P nagged me to tell them to pay the rent.  My son's job was cut to half time.  P didn't care.  No support when my son in law died.  No comfort at all.  My granddaughters life was turned upside down and she had anxiety, he called her a brat.  He calls one of my other grandkids a brat.  This child had anxiety too.  His grandchild is a very disrespectful child.  I just cant let go of all the hurt he has caused by sabatoging my time with my kids.  Sitting in the car.  Not being social.  Well not the events have flipped.  I don't want to babysit his grandkids, I don't want to be social with his family.  But I am not outright rude.  He insults my family and says, "oh I am just kidding...a joke" His jokes to my oldest grandson are inappropriate.  I don't like him.  I don't like the kind of person he is.  There is a double standard when it comes to our families.  I wanted to be one big family, but the events of the past two months have changed it.  It is now my family and his family.  I want to write them a letter explaining everything.  The hurt and anger they have caused me.  My opinions don't matter.  So much disregard or disrespect towards me.  He may say the same about me, I ignored his silence when I wanted to do what I wanted to do.  One time He told me to not invite him if I didn't want him to go with me.  I was being polite by asking him.  So then one time I didn't invite him, he said "aren't you going to invite me?'  I lost it.  I cried and said it doesn't matter what I do, it is wrong. ( He says the same about me.  That he feels everything he does is wrong...well it is...he is a narcissist and the world is NOT all about him!!)  He then tried to put guilt on me..."I would like to spend time with R or see the grandkids)  While I was gone he moved his dresser into the office..My office.  He moved all my stuff out.  I was so hurt. So hurt!!  What the heck was that all about.  He says he will leave, but he doesn't.  He said when he got his money, he would leave.  Sometimes he says he will move into the storage building.  I don't want him in the storage building.  That is crazy.  He takes it to mean I don't want him to leave.  I need to just meditate on the Bible and pray pray pray.  What to do.  Be still and let God work.  I am sad, angry and so hurt by P, S and D.  I guess D being raised by P, will be a lot like his father.  Take take take.  Use and abuse.  Take advantage.  I hate that. 

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