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Yes, I Am a Complainer

Yes, I am a complainer.  My dad used to tell me to stop complaining.  When I was young, I didn't know what he meant.  The older I get the more I understand what complaining is...grumbling.  The other day I was complaining to God that I am a failure.  I feel I have failed at parenthood because my children have given in to peer pressure and done things they should not have done.  Thankfully and praise God, they learned very quickly a hard lesson.  I feel if my children fail in school that I am to blame.  I should be on top of everything.  I should know how they are doing in school.  I should make sure they do their homework. But there is a name for parents these days who are alway on top of their children's lives, hovering, circling, controling...they are called "Helicoptor Parents"   But truth is, I do feel I fail at everything I do.  I will volunteer to do something and am never asked to do it again.  Or I will try so hard to be perfect and then when evaluated, I am critisized for the thing that I tried so hard to be perfect at.  For example, I prided myself in being on time for a volunteer job that I had.  I had to drive a 40 minute commute to get to this place.  Sometimes there was road construction.  Sometims there was bad weather.  But I was on time! Twice I was held up and so I called to let the director know I was going to be late.  When I had my yearly evaluation, the only negative thing she noted was that I had a hard time getting to my job on time.  So, I gave up and worked the next week and then quit.  Yes, I am a quitter.  A failure. A complainer.   But God still loves me.  He can help me.  He can change my self talk into love talk.  People have  hurt me all my life, but God has always been good.  I love people.  I love being around people.  I am a people pleaser.  But I find that I am not trusting of people.  People have let me down so many times.  When I was 10 my best friend's babysitter's husband slapped me very hard across my face.  Out of the blue...WHACK!  ( I think it was because I didn't ask if I could use their bathroom.  I just came in and was walking towards the bathroom and SMACK!)  I was numb..I didnt cry.  I left.  Well a year later this man's son committed suicide.   When I was 10 two boys in my class came over to my house and chased me and beat me up.  They jumped on my back.  I didnt cry.  I didnt say anything ever.  When I was 14, two boys that I knew come to see me.  We went for a walk in my neighborhood (I lived in apartments)  All of the sudden one of the boys grabbed me and the other boy (these boys were 16 and 17)  ripped my shirt  (I was crying and saying "no! Stop!" and there were people walking by and didnt even stop them..they just looked and watched) and tried to pull my pants down.  I kicked and yelled  so much that they left.  When I was 16, a boy that I really liked, out of the blue started choking me.  His little sister watched.  I couldnt breath and was getting lightheaded.  I could not get his hands off my neck.  He finally just stopped.  My life has not been one of the trouble free ones.  I have a very shameful past.  I was pregnant out of wedlock twice.  The first baby is in heaven with Jesus.  The second is now 30 and she is one of my pride and joys.  I wanted a baby, so I made it happen which led to me marrying.  I settled.  I did not wait for God to find me a husband.  I had been dating this man for four years.  He was the father of ALL my children.  But he was a drug addict.  Most years were good.  We were married for 24 years when he abandoned us to live on the streets with addicts.  He lived one more year..very sick  and then God took me out of the marriage.  Sometime I will write more on this story.  I had no intentions of getting married again.  I was so happy being free. But God had other plans for me. 

  Yep, I had a hard life.  Some Christians have had an easy life.  So I feel they  don't understand completely how amazing God's love is.  How HE can turn bad things into good things.  How HE blesses and forgives.  I know I am forgiven and this is what keeps me going when people judge me or think badly of me.  But I am wrong to judge them.   We are all children of God.  Brothers and sisters. 

     The parents of my late husband and his sister, have not made my life or my children's life easy.  They blame me for a lot of  what my late husband did.  I didnt let him in the house..I had to protect myself and my boys.  I didnt give him money.  His mother told me that the money I earned that supported the family for many years, was his money too.  Oh sure, give him money for drugs and not feed the boys..or pay the electric bill.  Was she nuts!  I still have resentments and it is hard for me to go to their house.  My children dont want to go over to their house because of the way they treated me.  But since my late husband died, my reactions are different towards them.  I pray for protection.   But I also have something to say to everything they have to say to me.  I just tell them what the Bible says.  Ohhh, they were angry that I got married.  But the Bible told me to ( I was a young widow).    I still need help with anger towards them. 
    My former sister in law was the most evil person I knew.  But I was bold and didnt back down on what I believe the Bible was telling me.  She would argue and tell me everything I said was wrong.  Her life was turmoil...drugs, anger, hate, rage, crime, lies...that was her life.   About a month ago, she called me and told me that she wanted the peace that I had.  She said she had been reading the Bible.  She was full of questions.  She wished her children were good citizens like my children.  She wished she was close to her parents like I am close to my dad.  She wanted to feel love and give love.  She learned that Jesus is the way and they He will heal her.  
   I used to be critisied by these people for hugging my kids.  They didnt like it that I didnt yell or respond with anger.  The Bible says to have a quiet spirit, to bless those who hurt you, to tell others what the Bible says, and just keep your eyes on HIM.  Sometime we dont understand why God tells us to do something and we feel "this wont work",  but if you do everything God's way...it will turn out so good.  I praise God for   hearing my prayers for my former sister in law.  There was a time I hated her.  She was the only person on this earth that I truly hated (other than satan), but God changed my heart and my attitude changed.  God showed me that he can change someone..there is hope for everyone.  We should just pray for our enemies.  Pray and not judge.    Yep, I need to stop complaining.  It doesnt accomplish anything!!

All Consuming Fire!!

Don't let worries of the world or anything that is an idol be your "all consuming fire". If you think about something all the time and obsessed with it..that is an all consuming fire. Our Lord should be our only All Consuming Fire. Everything else is nothing. A lesson learned for me. Thanks to Wesley the young man who is suing me.  God uses others to teach us lessons.  And he may be trying to teach Wesley a lesson too.  This why we need to just trust God and let him have control.  He is in control!  Just give him all your sorrows.  "No" to revenge! " No" to self!   I will talk more on this later. 

A Sad Sad Story

All I know is they used their tricks to keep me moving forward with the event. "It's not a baby" "It is just tissue" I told them i did not ever want to have sex again and they told me I would not be able to stop. They also told me that I would be back in a year if I didnt go on the pill. They told me that I would prove my love for children by not bring a unplanned baby into the world. I would ruin my boyfriends life if I were to have a baby (he was only 16) They put the guilty feelings in me because I wanted the baby. Lies! Ok, I had an abortion because my boyfriend (who became my husband and the father of my three wonderful children) said it was what you did when you found yourself pregnant and unmarried. He said it was the only thing to do. He said his mom would "kill" him and she would hate me. She already didnt like me. Long story, but my mom went with me because she loved me. She did not want me to do this. It broke her heart. Years later she shared a story with me about what her mother did when she was pregnant with twins. During the procedure...I said, "I wonder if the baby is a boy or a girl?" "It is NOT a baby, it is just tissue" the nurse said. The doctor really didnt say one word to me. I was terrified and he looked so evil. He had to pry my legs apart to do what he needed to do. I wanted to yell (and I did in my head) "I HATE YOU! LET ME GO HOME! I DONT WANT THIS!" So it was all MY fault that I killed my baby girl who is now in heaven dancing with Jesus. Emy Rose in a yellow dress. She is a child. Even though she'd be 32 by now. Immediately after, I was numb. Emotionless. Tramatized because as he was sucking stuff from my body, I saw the "stuff" go through a clear tube into a VACCUUM CLEANER!!! I learned later that all they do is throw the filled containers into a dumpster!! Hundreds of babies in a vacuum cleaner container in a dumpster!!! I also learned later that my baby looked like a baby. Not a blob of tissue. What did I do? I was so stupid!!!! I was very depressed for 11 years. I prayed and told God and my baby that I was sorry. I wished I could have her back. I heard her precious voice one day. "I forgive you Mommy" I asked God for forgiveness and I truly believed he had forgiven me. But I still had such severe shame. In the past three years I have had abortion recovery counciling. I lead a group but I feel I got healing too. It just helps to be able to talk about it with others and to hear their stories. I love meeting people with this common bond and not fear that I will be judged. I love knowing that these people will still love me even though I did such a horrific thing.

coming soon

Future posts to watch for.  (I say this even though I have no followers)   IN DEFENSE OF FACEBOOK   and WHY IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO KEEP DOING WHAT GOD TELLS YOU TO DO EVEN THOUGH YOU GET CRITISIZED OR TOLD YOU ARE WRONG.  SOMETIMES PEOPLE REALIZE YOU ARE RIGHT AND THEY WHAT THE PEACE THAT YOU HAVE. 

I need to respond

       It seems like lately many people have asked me, "Where do you work" or "What do you do"   I am not good at responding with an intellegent answer.  I normally say, "I dont do anything, just stay home and take care of the house, my family, and am available if my kids, grandkids, dad or brother need me"   But my job (which I got from the Bible) is a helpmate (wife) to my husband.  We have one car and so I am his transportation to and from work.  This works for us.  I cant work a full time job or even a regular part time job, because I have to be available for Paul (my hubby)  His schedule is so unpredictable.  Sometimes I have to be up in the middle of the night for him.  I am very happy with my job as a wife and mother.  I do sub for the Wake County Public School System and I love this job too.  I dont do it everyday or even once a week.  The jobs I take all depend on my husbands schedule or if I have something to do with the kids or my dad.  The down side to my husbands job , is we cant plan anything.  I can't commit to anything.  Also, if he does occationally have some time off, we spend it together.  Like one day this past week, he had some time to spare so we went to the museum.  I have had some guilty feelings because I dont work outside the home.  I dont have young kids to stay home with.  I was beginning to think, " What is my  good reason for not working?"  and feeling bad because I dont have a job.  We are just praising God that Paul has a good job now.  For a couple of years he didnt have one.  I did sub more back then.  We would sell stuff to make money.  Workmans comp didnt pay all the bills.  I was so sad when Paul sold his truck so we could live.  This is why we are down to one vehicle.  
   I take what people say to me at heart.  No I am not old enough to be retired.   Yes if I worked we would have more money..but we are fine.  Yes, If I worked, it would take the full burden off of Paul to to provide all the money.  BUT this is how we want our lives to go.  The man provides for his family.  We are happy.  God has provided.   I am blessed to be able to work at home, running a household, being available if my children need me, if my grandchildren need me and if my dad needs me.  But more importantly, I am a helpmate to my husband.  He comes first, he knows he can depend on me and he is happy in his marrage to me.