Yes, I am a complainer. My dad used to tell me to stop complaining. When I was young, I didn't know what he meant. The older I get the more I understand what complaining is...grumbling. The other day I was complaining to God that I am a failure. I feel I have failed at parenthood because my children have given in to peer pressure and done things they should not have done. Thankfully and praise God, they learned very quickly a hard lesson. I feel if my children fail in school that I am to blame. I should be on top of everything. I should know how they are doing in school. I should make sure they do their homework. But there is a name for parents these days who are alway on top of their children's lives, hovering, circling, controling...they are called "Helicoptor Parents" But truth is, I do feel I fail at everything I do. I will volunteer to do something and am never asked to do it again. Or I will try so hard to be perfect and then when evaluated, I am critisized for the thing that I tried so hard to be perfect at. For example, I prided myself in being on time for a volunteer job that I had. I had to drive a 40 minute commute to get to this place. Sometimes there was road construction. Sometims there was bad weather. But I was on time! Twice I was held up and so I called to let the director know I was going to be late. When I had my yearly evaluation, the only negative thing she noted was that I had a hard time getting to my job on time. So, I gave up and worked the next week and then quit. Yes, I am a quitter. A failure. A complainer. But God still loves me. He can help me. He can change my self talk into love talk. People have hurt me all my life, but God has always been good. I love people. I love being around people. I am a people pleaser. But I find that I am not trusting of people. People have let me down so many times. When I was 10 my best friend's babysitter's husband slapped me very hard across my face. Out of the blue...WHACK! ( I think it was because I didn't ask if I could use their bathroom. I just came in and was walking towards the bathroom and SMACK!) I was numb..I didnt cry. I left. Well a year later this man's son committed suicide. When I was 10 two boys in my class came over to my house and chased me and beat me up. They jumped on my back. I didnt cry. I didnt say anything ever. When I was 14, two boys that I knew come to see me. We went for a walk in my neighborhood (I lived in apartments) All of the sudden one of the boys grabbed me and the other boy (these boys were 16 and 17) ripped my shirt (I was crying and saying "no! Stop!" and there were people walking by and didnt even stop them..they just looked and watched) and tried to pull my pants down. I kicked and yelled so much that they left. When I was 16, a boy that I really liked, out of the blue started choking me. His little sister watched. I couldnt breath and was getting lightheaded. I could not get his hands off my neck. He finally just stopped. My life has not been one of the trouble free ones. I have a very shameful past. I was pregnant out of wedlock twice. The first baby is in heaven with Jesus. The second is now 30 and she is one of my pride and joys. I wanted a baby, so I made it happen which led to me marrying. I settled. I did not wait for God to find me a husband. I had been dating this man for four years. He was the father of ALL my children. But he was a drug addict. Most years were good. We were married for 24 years when he abandoned us to live on the streets with addicts. He lived one more year..very sick and then God took me out of the marriage. Sometime I will write more on this story. I had no intentions of getting married again. I was so happy being free. But God had other plans for me.
Yep, I had a hard life. Some Christians have had an easy life. So I feel they don't understand completely how amazing God's love is. How HE can turn bad things into good things. How HE blesses and forgives. I know I am forgiven and this is what keeps me going when people judge me or think badly of me. But I am wrong to judge them. We are all children of God. Brothers and sisters.
The parents of my late husband and his sister, have not made my life or my children's life easy. They blame me for a lot of what my late husband did. I didnt let him in the house..I had to protect myself and my boys. I didnt give him money. His mother told me that the money I earned that supported the family for many years, was his money too. Oh sure, give him money for drugs and not feed the boys..or pay the electric bill. Was she nuts! I still have resentments and it is hard for me to go to their house. My children dont want to go over to their house because of the way they treated me. But since my late husband died, my reactions are different towards them. I pray for protection. But I also have something to say to everything they have to say to me. I just tell them what the Bible says. Ohhh, they were angry that I got married. But the Bible told me to ( I was a young widow). I still need help with anger towards them.
My former sister in law was the most evil person I knew. But I was bold and didnt back down on what I believe the Bible was telling me. She would argue and tell me everything I said was wrong. Her life was turmoil...drugs, anger, hate, rage, crime, lies...that was her life. About a month ago, she called me and told me that she wanted the peace that I had. She said she had been reading the Bible. She was full of questions. She wished her children were good citizens like my children. She wished she was close to her parents like I am close to my dad. She wanted to feel love and give love. She learned that Jesus is the way and they He will heal her.
I used to be critisied by these people for hugging my kids. They didnt like it that I didnt yell or respond with anger. The Bible says to have a quiet spirit, to bless those who hurt you, to tell others what the Bible says, and just keep your eyes on HIM. Sometime we dont understand why God tells us to do something and we feel "this wont work", but if you do everything God's way...it will turn out so good. I praise God for hearing my prayers for my former sister in law. There was a time I hated her. She was the only person on this earth that I truly hated (other than satan), but God changed my heart and my attitude changed. God showed me that he can change someone..there is hope for everyone. We should just pray for our enemies. Pray and not judge. Yep, I need to stop complaining. It doesnt accomplish anything!!
No comments:
Post a Comment