A Sad Sad Story

All I know is they used their tricks to keep me moving forward with the event. "It's not a baby" "It is just tissue" I told them i did not ever want to have sex again and they told me I would not be able to stop. They also told me that I would be back in a year if I didnt go on the pill. They told me that I would prove my love for children by not bring a unplanned baby into the world. I would ruin my boyfriends life if I were to have a baby (he was only 16) They put the guilty feelings in me because I wanted the baby. Lies! Ok, I had an abortion because my boyfriend (who became my husband and the father of my three wonderful children) said it was what you did when you found yourself pregnant and unmarried. He said it was the only thing to do. He said his mom would "kill" him and she would hate me. She already didnt like me. Long story, but my mom went with me because she loved me. She did not want me to do this. It broke her heart. Years later she shared a story with me about what her mother did when she was pregnant with twins. During the procedure...I said, "I wonder if the baby is a boy or a girl?" "It is NOT a baby, it is just tissue" the nurse said. The doctor really didnt say one word to me. I was terrified and he looked so evil. He had to pry my legs apart to do what he needed to do. I wanted to yell (and I did in my head) "I HATE YOU! LET ME GO HOME! I DONT WANT THIS!" So it was all MY fault that I killed my baby girl who is now in heaven dancing with Jesus. Emy Rose in a yellow dress. She is a child. Even though she'd be 32 by now. Immediately after, I was numb. Emotionless. Tramatized because as he was sucking stuff from my body, I saw the "stuff" go through a clear tube into a VACCUUM CLEANER!!! I learned later that all they do is throw the filled containers into a dumpster!! Hundreds of babies in a vacuum cleaner container in a dumpster!!! I also learned later that my baby looked like a baby. Not a blob of tissue. What did I do? I was so stupid!!!! I was very depressed for 11 years. I prayed and told God and my baby that I was sorry. I wished I could have her back. I heard her precious voice one day. "I forgive you Mommy" I asked God for forgiveness and I truly believed he had forgiven me. But I still had such severe shame. In the past three years I have had abortion recovery counciling. I lead a group but I feel I got healing too. It just helps to be able to talk about it with others and to hear their stories. I love meeting people with this common bond and not fear that I will be judged. I love knowing that these people will still love me even though I did such a horrific thing.