Went to a crisis pregnancy banquet/fundraiser last night. I was so impressed how easily that the speakers could confess their sin of abortion. If these well liked people could talk publically about this horrible thing, then maybe so can I. I have been so afraid to talk to people about myself and my past because I want people to like me. I have found that when I did talk about being married to a drug addict and all that entails, or the fact that he was abusive, people shunned me and didnt talk to me anymore. What would they think if I talked about killing my first baby? Some people say to not talk about the past or to forget it. But if I can help someone in some way, then I will talk about it. Also bringing the dark into the light can help with healing.
"Black is Black..I want my baby back" ''I am so sorry Lord" "My darling baby, I am so so so very sorry" I said these words over and over , almost daily for years. Many many tears. I felt like dirt. I deserved to be hurt. I learned that God does forgive this horrible sin. Through Jesus our Lord. His blood covered my sins. I just needed to forgive myself and accept God's forgiveness.
11 years and 15 days after the day I would like to forget, but I remember every detail, I was feeling so sad. I was reading the Bible and just crying ..sobbing..and telling my child that I was so sorry. The room got really quiet and so did I, " I FORGIVE YOU MOMMY" was spoken aloud. A sweet child's voice. At that moment, a huge weight had lifted. I had an enormous peace. I never felt guilty again. I knew I was forgiven and that it was all ok.
But I did still have the shame that I would ever do such a thing. But Jesus took my shame away too. He covered my shame.
Later through an abortion recovery group meeting I gave my baby a name..Emy Rose Evans. I always felt it was a little girl.
One day, years later, my mom and I were talking and she brought up the subject of that day I aborted my baby. She went with me to the Fleming Center which was an abortion place. That is all they did there. She felt such great guilt and so shamed that she would "support" me in doing that. (She was there for me because she loved me dearly but did not approve of my decision) She told me how bad she felt about that day. She felt so bad that she called her mother. My grandma was the most Godly lady I have ever known. She was an awesome woman. I thought, "NO!! YOU DIDNT TELL GRANDMA!!"
Grandma probably hated me then. How could I ever face my grandma again. My mom said that her mother told her "her story"
My grandma was pregnant with twins, my mom and her brother. My grandparents had a two year old already and they were very poor at the time. "How are we going to afford two more babies?" My grandma was a nurse and she knew of ways that women aborted babies back then. Some kind of medicine they could take. So my grandma took this medicine. It didnt work at that time. She went into labor two months later when the babie's were two months early. My mom's twin brother died. My grandma blamed herself. For years she blamed herself. My grandpa had lost all of his sons. He had no sons to carry on his name. My grandma felt she caused baby Thomas' death.
She took extra loving care of my mom when she was born. My mom always felt that she wasnt special..she felt her sisters mattered more to her mother. But my grandma told my mom that she was very special to her. She knew that God forgave her for what she did and she praised God for letting her little Janice survive. It was a mircle back in the early 30s for a baby so premature to survive..But God did It!! I miss my mom so much!! I praise God for Mother and daughter relationships. A gift that he gives us.
TO BE CONTINUED:
Later the affects of abortion...grief, depression, shame, drug and alcohol abuse, sin and more sin, and even suicide. God can get you through it. He loves you so much!!
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