IT'S POSITIVE

    I took my Dad's car and drove to my doctor with a jar of  "pee".  It was barely 8:00 AM.  The nurse came back with the haunting words, "I'TS POSITVE"    I choked a little and payed $10 and left.  I cried when I told my boyfriend.  He said to just get an abortion.  That's what the girl down the street from him did....THREE TIMES! 
   After the shock wore off, I was kind of happy. A baby..that's what I always wanted.  But I couldn't have it because then people would know I had sex outside of marriage.  I could lose my job!! My dad would hate me.  So began the plans of having an abortion.  I called this lady I knew who had had an abortion because while she was married and her husband away in the Army, she got pregnant.  Her husband had had a vasectomy.  We planned for me to go to Winston Salem where she lived.  But I would have to take off of work.  For some reason my parents had to be involved.  They said "no" and I got really upset.  My dad thought it was odd, so he sent my mom in to ask me, "Are you in Trouble?"   I was so ashamed!  I couldn't face my dad.  His advice was to break up with my boyfriend.  All I could think of was that people would know that I had had sex.  My mom tried to talk to me.  We could handle it all she said. I was still a teenager and teens dont listen to their moms. And I was determined that the only choice was to abort.  My mom with with me, even though she didnt approve.  "Having My Baby...what a lovely way of saying how much you love me" was on the radio above my head.   They called me back .  I was truly hoping they would send me home pregnant.  I told the little councilor that I didn't want to do this.  "I Have always wanted to be a mother."  "I love babies!"  "This will prove it by not bring an unplanned one into the world", she said.   We had a group session and I didn't talk at all.  Then they asked us what kind of birth control I wanted to go on.  She asked me and I said, "I am not having sex again."  "You cant just stop having sex.  It is like eating peanuts, you cant just stop.  You will be back in a year" 
    While laying on the table, I asked the nurse, "I wonder if it is a boy or girl"   "It's not a baby, it is a fetus.  Just tissue.  It is like a blueprint to a house.  A blueprint is not a house.  A fetus is not a baby"   The doctor came in, I didn't like him right away.  He had to pry my legs apart.  A tear rolled down to my ear.  I didn't cry even though I wanted to.  I looked up just in time to see red stuff go through a tube into a VACUUM CLEANER!! THAT was when reality hit me.  MY BABY WENT INTO A VACUUM CLEANER.   Later I learned that they just threw the baby remains of that container into the dumpster!! A DUMPSTER!!! RIGHT BEHIND THE BUILDING! As I was walking out, "Black is Black,  I want my baby back" was on the radio above my head. 

 (It was also a month after the abortion that I saw a picture of what my baby looked like at 9 weeks gestation) IT WAS A BABY!!  

I sang that song over and over in my head for 11 years.  I grieved for 11 years.  I apologized to my baby and to God for 11 years. 

God is forgiving..even for this horrible black sin.  He sent his son to die for me. 

To be continued...

Next time  "I FORGIVE YOU MOMMY"