1986

1986

A very memorable year for me.  I was happily married and we had a four year old little girl.  I wanted another baby.  A baby Joshua.  1986 I was pregnant with my baby Joshua.  My favorite song for that year was Madonna's, "I'm keeping my baby"  It happened to be the number one song for the year.  Madonna and I were born on the same day.  So I like her and she sings well. 

I watched the video today and it brought back so many memories of that year, and another time in my life when I  was so in love and found myself pregnant.  I married the guy of that haunting time of life.  It was 1978.   I had wanted to be a mommy ever since I was 8 years old.  Here I was pregnant.  But I felt no hope and was in fear of losing my job.  The shame of  being pregnant and not married.  We were both young, he was VERY young.  Marriage was not an option.  Three years later, marriage was the answer, and so we married.    I watched the video and cried.  Why wasn't I bold to say to everyone,  "I'M KEEPING MY BABY! I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A MOMMY. IT IS ALL I WANTED IN LIFE."    God did give me three children.  Five pregnancies.  The first one, I gave back to God.  The horror and shame that I felt for  so many years.  My biggest regret in life.  I also had a miscarriage, but didn't know I was pregnant until then.  That was a blessing, (another long story) but God had my back.  I think back to the days of my youth and I would not change a thing.  I wish I had kept the baby, but now I truly understand God's forgiveness.  He loves me.   My husband passed away and even though we had a rocky marriage, I cherish it.  I miss him a lot.  A whole new life began a year after he died...another long story for later.  

My baby is with Jesus and that's all that matters.  He loves all the little children.  .


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G333Is7VPOg

SIDE AFFECTS

        When a woman has an abortion, she goes through the same hormonal changes as those who given birth.  Post partum depression being one.  Add to that the sadness of a loss.  Yes even though she has chosen to abort her baby, she will feel a loss.  Grief.  She will go through the stages of grief.  These being DENIAL, ANGER, BARGANING, DEPRESSION AND ACCEPTANCE. 

 DENIAL:  I did nothing wrong.  It wasn't my fault.
ANGER:  IT WASN'T MY FAULT.  SOMEONE MADE ME DO IT.  Or  I hate myself for doing this!!
BARGAINING:  I promise never to do that again if you....  I will be the best mommy ever if I can have a baby.  I never want to have children. 
DEPRESSION:  Overwhelming guilt, sadness, drug and alcohal or drug abuse, remorse, self lothing and suicide.
ACCEPTANCE:  I acknowledge what I have done.  I am forgiven.  I repent of this sin.  I have healed.

I will write more on these later. I will write more on the "side affects" of abortion.  But you can heal!!  You can recover!!

Just know that God forgives you through the blood of Jesus Christ.  God can turn a bad thing into a blessing. 

IT'S POSITIVE

    I took my Dad's car and drove to my doctor with a jar of  "pee".  It was barely 8:00 AM.  The nurse came back with the haunting words, "I'TS POSITVE"    I choked a little and payed $10 and left.  I cried when I told my boyfriend.  He said to just get an abortion.  That's what the girl down the street from him did....THREE TIMES! 
   After the shock wore off, I was kind of happy. A baby..that's what I always wanted.  But I couldn't have it because then people would know I had sex outside of marriage.  I could lose my job!! My dad would hate me.  So began the plans of having an abortion.  I called this lady I knew who had had an abortion because while she was married and her husband away in the Army, she got pregnant.  Her husband had had a vasectomy.  We planned for me to go to Winston Salem where she lived.  But I would have to take off of work.  For some reason my parents had to be involved.  They said "no" and I got really upset.  My dad thought it was odd, so he sent my mom in to ask me, "Are you in Trouble?"   I was so ashamed!  I couldn't face my dad.  His advice was to break up with my boyfriend.  All I could think of was that people would know that I had had sex.  My mom tried to talk to me.  We could handle it all she said. I was still a teenager and teens dont listen to their moms. And I was determined that the only choice was to abort.  My mom with with me, even though she didnt approve.  "Having My Baby...what a lovely way of saying how much you love me" was on the radio above my head.   They called me back .  I was truly hoping they would send me home pregnant.  I told the little councilor that I didn't want to do this.  "I Have always wanted to be a mother."  "I love babies!"  "This will prove it by not bring an unplanned one into the world", she said.   We had a group session and I didn't talk at all.  Then they asked us what kind of birth control I wanted to go on.  She asked me and I said, "I am not having sex again."  "You cant just stop having sex.  It is like eating peanuts, you cant just stop.  You will be back in a year" 
    While laying on the table, I asked the nurse, "I wonder if it is a boy or girl"   "It's not a baby, it is a fetus.  Just tissue.  It is like a blueprint to a house.  A blueprint is not a house.  A fetus is not a baby"   The doctor came in, I didn't like him right away.  He had to pry my legs apart.  A tear rolled down to my ear.  I didn't cry even though I wanted to.  I looked up just in time to see red stuff go through a tube into a VACUUM CLEANER!! THAT was when reality hit me.  MY BABY WENT INTO A VACUUM CLEANER.   Later I learned that they just threw the baby remains of that container into the dumpster!! A DUMPSTER!!! RIGHT BEHIND THE BUILDING! As I was walking out, "Black is Black,  I want my baby back" was on the radio above my head. 

 (It was also a month after the abortion that I saw a picture of what my baby looked like at 9 weeks gestation) IT WAS A BABY!!  

I sang that song over and over in my head for 11 years.  I grieved for 11 years.  I apologized to my baby and to God for 11 years. 

God is forgiving..even for this horrible black sin.  He sent his son to die for me. 

To be continued...

Next time  "I FORGIVE YOU MOMMY"

STARTING A SERIES

Welcome to my blog.  In the past I have written just random topics.  But I am going to start a series on Abortion Recovery.  This is just an introductory before I get into the subject.  Please feel free to ask questions or make comments.  This blog will be Biblical and I will be teaching that God does forgive your past. 

When I was eight years old, my neighbor babysat me and my brother.  One day she had her grandson at her house too.  He was about 8 months old.  I was fascinated.  I fell in love with babies right then and there.  I decided at the young age of eight that all I wanted to do in life was be a mommy.  I couldn't wait to grow up and have my own babies.  I was a very shy and insecure girl and teenager.  But when people got to know me, I was very funny.  I made people laugh.  I guess I was insecure around boys.  I felt I was ugly and that boys didn't like me.  In fact I was bullied by boys.  So when a boy seemed interested, I gave him what he wanted.  I was still being "bullied" because boys just used me.  I allowed it.  BUT I gave up my virginity at the age of 17 to the guy I thought I would marry after high school.   It was after this (our break up) that I became promiscuous.  I am very ashamed of my past.  VERY ASHAMED!!!  I started dating a boy who was only 16 when I was 18.  (He became my husband and the father of my three children)  I was a bad person and corrupted him at such a young age of 16.  We became pregnant.  I was so ashamed.  I didn't want to be pregnant yet.  He told me to get an abortion.  That was what people did in that kind of situation.  It is not what I wanted to do.  But I didn't know any other option.  My parents would be so angry.  I tried to hide it.  To be continued...