Went to a crisis pregnancy banquet/fundraiser last night. I was so impressed how easily that the speakers could confess their sin of abortion. If these well liked people could talk publically about this horrible thing, then maybe so can I. I have been so afraid to talk to people about myself and my past because I want people to like me. I have found that when I did talk about being married to a drug addict and all that entails, or the fact that he was abusive, people shunned me and didnt talk to me anymore. What would they think if I talked about killing my first baby? Some people say to not talk about the past or to forget it. But if I can help someone in some way, then I will talk about it. Also bringing the dark into the light can help with healing.
"Black is Black..I want my baby back" ''I am so sorry Lord" "My darling baby, I am so so so very sorry" I said these words over and over , almost daily for years. Many many tears. I felt like dirt. I deserved to be hurt. I learned that God does forgive this horrible sin. Through Jesus our Lord. His blood covered my sins. I just needed to forgive myself and accept God's forgiveness.
11 years and 15 days after the day I would like to forget, but I remember every detail, I was feeling so sad. I was reading the Bible and just crying ..sobbing..and telling my child that I was so sorry. The room got really quiet and so did I, " I FORGIVE YOU MOMMY" was spoken aloud. A sweet child's voice. At that moment, a huge weight had lifted. I had an enormous peace. I never felt guilty again. I knew I was forgiven and that it was all ok.
But I did still have the shame that I would ever do such a thing. But Jesus took my shame away too. He covered my shame.
Later through an abortion recovery group meeting I gave my baby a name..Emy Rose Evans. I always felt it was a little girl.
One day, years later, my mom and I were talking and she brought up the subject of that day I aborted my baby. She went with me to the Fleming Center which was an abortion place. That is all they did there. She felt such great guilt and so shamed that she would "support" me in doing that. (She was there for me because she loved me dearly but did not approve of my decision) She told me how bad she felt about that day. She felt so bad that she called her mother. My grandma was the most Godly lady I have ever known. She was an awesome woman. I thought, "NO!! YOU DIDNT TELL GRANDMA!!"
Grandma probably hated me then. How could I ever face my grandma again. My mom said that her mother told her "her story"
My grandma was pregnant with twins, my mom and her brother. My grandparents had a two year old already and they were very poor at the time. "How are we going to afford two more babies?" My grandma was a nurse and she knew of ways that women aborted babies back then. Some kind of medicine they could take. So my grandma took this medicine. It didnt work at that time. She went into labor two months later when the babie's were two months early. My mom's twin brother died. My grandma blamed herself. For years she blamed herself. My grandpa had lost all of his sons. He had no sons to carry on his name. My grandma felt she caused baby Thomas' death.
She took extra loving care of my mom when she was born. My mom always felt that she wasnt special..she felt her sisters mattered more to her mother. But my grandma told my mom that she was very special to her. She knew that God forgave her for what she did and she praised God for letting her little Janice survive. It was a mircle back in the early 30s for a baby so premature to survive..But God did It!! I miss my mom so much!! I praise God for Mother and daughter relationships. A gift that he gives us.
TO BE CONTINUED:
Later the affects of abortion...grief, depression, shame, drug and alcohol abuse, sin and more sin, and even suicide. God can get you through it. He loves you so much!!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
OFF DOWN A SIDE PATH
This is from the Old Testament. I know people who say the Old Testament doesn't matter. The WHOLE Bible is about Jesus!! But these verses are specifically about our Lord and Savior, Jesus
Isaiah 53
New International Version (NIV)
53 Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
3 He was despised and rejected by mankind,
a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.
and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
3 He was despised and rejected by mankind,
a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.
4 Surely he took up our pain
and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
stricken by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to our own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
stricken by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to our own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
8 By oppression[a] and judgment he was taken away.
Yet who of his generation protested?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was punished.[b]
9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
8 By oppression[a] and judgment he was taken away.
Yet who of his generation protested?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was punished.[b]
9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.
10 Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the Lord makes[c] his life an offering for sin,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.
11 After he has suffered,
he will see the light of life[d] and be satisfied[e];
by his knowledge[f] my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,[g]
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,[h]
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors. Christ.
and though the Lord makes[c] his life an offering for sin,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.
11 After he has suffered,
he will see the light of life[d] and be satisfied[e];
by his knowledge[f] my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,[g]
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,[h]
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors. Christ.
Situations break my heart, but the people in my life bring me joy.
I don't understand why people feel the need to harm animals and other humans. God gave people the job of taking care of his creatures. So no animal should be harmed in anger or violence. Not person should harm another person.
Monday, February 11, 2013
IT'S POSITIVE
I took my Dad's car and drove to my doctor with a jar of "pee". It was barely 8:00 AM. The nurse came back with the haunting words, "I'TS POSITVE" I choked a little and payed $10 and left. I cried when I told my boyfriend. He said to just get an abortion. That's what the girl down the street from him did....THREE TIMES!
After the shock wore off, I was kind of happy. A baby..that's what I always wanted. But I couldn't have it because then people would know I had sex outside of marriage. I could lose my job!! My dad would hate me. So began the plans of having an abortion. I called this lady I knew who had had an abortion because while she was married and her husband away in the Army, she got pregnant. Her husband had had a vasectomy. We planned for me to go to Winston Salem where she lived. But I would have to take off of work. For some reason my parents had to be involved. They said "no" and I got really upset. My dad thought it was odd, so he sent my mom in to ask me, "Are you in Trouble?" I was so ashamed! I couldn't face my dad. His advice was to break up with my boyfriend. All I could think of was that people would know that I had had sex. My mom tried to talk to me. We could handle it all she said. I was still a teenager and teens dont listen to their moms. And I was determined that the only choice was to abort. My mom with with me, even though she didnt approve. "Having My Baby...what a lovely way of saying how much you love me" was on the radio above my head. They called me back . I was truly hoping they would send me home pregnant. I told the little councilor that I didn't want to do this. "I Have always wanted to be a mother." "I love babies!" "This will prove it by not bring an unplanned one into the world", she said. We had a group session and I didn't talk at all. Then they asked us what kind of birth control I wanted to go on. She asked me and I said, "I am not having sex again." "You cant just stop having sex. It is like eating peanuts, you cant just stop. You will be back in a year"
While laying on the table, I asked the nurse, "I wonder if it is a boy or girl" "It's not a baby, it is a fetus. Just tissue. It is like a blueprint to a house. A blueprint is not a house. A fetus is not a baby" The doctor came in, I didn't like him right away. He had to pry my legs apart. A tear rolled down to my ear. I didn't cry even though I wanted to. I looked up just in time to see red stuff go through a tube into a VACUUM CLEANER!! THAT was when reality hit me. MY BABY WENT INTO A VACUUM CLEANER. Later I learned that they just threw the baby remains of that container into the dumpster!! A DUMPSTER!!! RIGHT BEHIND THE BUILDING! As I was walking out, "Black is Black, I want my baby back" was on the radio above my head.
(It was also a month after the abortion that I saw a picture of what my baby looked like at 9 weeks gestation) IT WAS A BABY!!
I sang that song over and over in my head for 11 years. I grieved for 11 years. I apologized to my baby and to God for 11 years.
God is forgiving..even for this horrible black sin. He sent his son to die for me.
To be continued...
Next time "I FORGIVE YOU MOMMY"
After the shock wore off, I was kind of happy. A baby..that's what I always wanted. But I couldn't have it because then people would know I had sex outside of marriage. I could lose my job!! My dad would hate me. So began the plans of having an abortion. I called this lady I knew who had had an abortion because while she was married and her husband away in the Army, she got pregnant. Her husband had had a vasectomy. We planned for me to go to Winston Salem where she lived. But I would have to take off of work. For some reason my parents had to be involved. They said "no" and I got really upset. My dad thought it was odd, so he sent my mom in to ask me, "Are you in Trouble?" I was so ashamed! I couldn't face my dad. His advice was to break up with my boyfriend. All I could think of was that people would know that I had had sex. My mom tried to talk to me. We could handle it all she said. I was still a teenager and teens dont listen to their moms. And I was determined that the only choice was to abort. My mom with with me, even though she didnt approve. "Having My Baby...what a lovely way of saying how much you love me" was on the radio above my head. They called me back . I was truly hoping they would send me home pregnant. I told the little councilor that I didn't want to do this. "I Have always wanted to be a mother." "I love babies!" "This will prove it by not bring an unplanned one into the world", she said. We had a group session and I didn't talk at all. Then they asked us what kind of birth control I wanted to go on. She asked me and I said, "I am not having sex again." "You cant just stop having sex. It is like eating peanuts, you cant just stop. You will be back in a year"
While laying on the table, I asked the nurse, "I wonder if it is a boy or girl" "It's not a baby, it is a fetus. Just tissue. It is like a blueprint to a house. A blueprint is not a house. A fetus is not a baby" The doctor came in, I didn't like him right away. He had to pry my legs apart. A tear rolled down to my ear. I didn't cry even though I wanted to. I looked up just in time to see red stuff go through a tube into a VACUUM CLEANER!! THAT was when reality hit me. MY BABY WENT INTO A VACUUM CLEANER. Later I learned that they just threw the baby remains of that container into the dumpster!! A DUMPSTER!!! RIGHT BEHIND THE BUILDING! As I was walking out, "Black is Black, I want my baby back" was on the radio above my head.
(It was also a month after the abortion that I saw a picture of what my baby looked like at 9 weeks gestation) IT WAS A BABY!!
I sang that song over and over in my head for 11 years. I grieved for 11 years. I apologized to my baby and to God for 11 years.
God is forgiving..even for this horrible black sin. He sent his son to die for me.
To be continued...
Next time "I FORGIVE YOU MOMMY"
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